Big Sad

Today I was in a mood.

As it often does when I feel this way, my brain runs back to my kindergarten classes to escape the current reality. This time the brain upload was on inner self-care during crisis and one little fella in particular who stood out from the rest of the crew.

Jordan who was autistic, from an impoverished home, and weighed a whopping 70 lbs had a lot of Big Sad. One morning, Jordan, who was now in first grade, was completely overwhelmed and ran away far enough from his class that he had to be found by several teachers. They had already began to help him calm down when I got there. They had kids waiting for them, I had a wonderful IA helping mine, so I told them to go and I would stay.

I immediately went down on my knees so he could see the calm and love in my eyes. Then I started my go to conversation with kids who are having big feelings:

1. "Jordan, lets breath. Blow out the candle." I put my first finger up and he began to breath in slowly and blow out slowly as I counted outloud and modeled what I meant, "Breath in, 1,2,3,4. Breath out, 1,2,3,4." After a few breaths I could see and feel his body begin to calm and I knew he was available for a conversation.

2. "How big is your sad? Show me with your hands." He showed me a huge gap between his two chubby little hands.

3. "That IS a big sad! Where do you feel your sad?" He pointed to his eyes and his puffed out chest.

4. "I am so sorry you are Big Sad. Can you tell me what happened?" He told me he was tired and had a tough morning waking up. He was missing his mom and baby sister.

5. I repeated his words, "you had a really tough morning and now you are missing your mom and baby sister and want to go home. Is that right?" He nodded, wiping his tearful face on his sleeve. "Is there any more?" He shook his head no and fell limp in my arms.

Sometimes just identifying and saying WHY you are sad is like having a weight lifted off your shoulders. Out of the mouth, out of the body. AND I could totally relate to what he was saying in my own grown-up way, so I acknowledge that to him, "That IS a Big Sad, I feel like that too when I'm having a hard time. I just want to be in a calm, quiet spot with someone I love." Again, he nodded.

5. I gave him a tissue (the sleeve was just gross at this point), hugged him for a few moments until I felt his heart beat and body begin to calm.

It's fascinating to me that when you are holding someone, their breathing and heart rate will begin to mimic your own. Slow breath in, slow breath out.

6. I asked him if he was ready to bring his Big Sad back to class. I told him he could have his feelings and still try to do his work.

He nodded, and I took his plump little hand in mine both of us knowing he was ready to go back to his teacher and friends.

These ideas about how to help children learn these strategies are not my own. I put them together from teaching books, watching collegues and experimenting with my own students.

My hope is that if I can do that with him enough (there is a LOT of opportunity for me to do this with children who struggle with trauma daily) that he will one day be able to do it for himself. After all, independence is more than just zipping your coat up by yourself.

So today, as I was feeling my big feelings, ( you know what that's like, it was for sure ugly crying) and my five year old self took over, I wasn't sure how to find my way back to my grown-up self.

Which leads me back to what I had taught Jordan and try to teach my students daily.

As I was feeling my Big Sad, I was also worried that I'd end up in the fetal position under the blanket on the couch, with the tv set numbing my feelings for the next 24 hours, but I can't do that today.

IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY! There can be no Hamilton for the 100th time just because it's comforting! It's 90 degrees out! WHY for God's sake would I want to hide under a blanket???? THERE IS NO SPACE FOR BIG SAD TODAY! I WANTED to enjoy myself! Family! Fireworks! Pasta Salad and hamburgers with strange ingredients cooking on the grill! Like Jordan, I wanted to try to out run my sad. Out of no where, I thought about how as an adult, I help my five year olds with their Big Sad.

I began to walk myself through the five steps (which as much as it may seem to an unfortunate passerbyer, does not require a diagnosis of schizophrenia):

I took breaths to calm my body.

I asked myself how big my sad was (this was a big enough sad to run the length of the path I was walking on)

I asked myself where I felt my sad (like a rock is on my chest and my throat),

I told myself I was sorry that I was feeling so sad and asked if I knew why I was sad.

I thought through that piece as much as I could, to identify it and later in the day, say it outloud to a close friend.

I held myself in my heart until I was feeling more grounded.

Finally, just like Jordan, I put one foot in front of the other until I knew I could walk back home and begin my day, even if my Big Sad lingered a bit.

School is a tough place to have a Big Sad, a LOT is expected of children there. The Fourth of July is a tough DAY to have a Big Sad. A lot is expected of me there. We can help our children with big feelings. After all, their big feelings are as big to them as scraping up a rent or mortgage payment is to us. If we can slow down and remember how, we can help them as well as ourselves to still feel those important feelings, acknowledge them, and move forward with our day. Even if we'd rather be with our moms, or lying on the couch with our hand tightly clenched around the remote.

In The Shade

Starting early May the playground gets HOT. I mean crock pot cookin' hot! I watch my kinders who are looking for spots of shade instead of their usual monkeying on the monkey bars and sliding on the slides. They are looking for shade that's not already been snatched up by other kids. You might think the physically active things the kids do is what recess is for, and partially it is. However, something that is just as important is also happening. Friendship and fun without the teacher right there to hear and tell you to "shhhhhh." It's kid freedom.

I like to meander around while the kids are in the shade. I don't talk to them but try to stand nearby while I listen and watch. The shade is a fascinating place. It's intimate, quiet, safe and FUN- like a fort they might build at home. I try to blend because they think, "If I can't see the teacher - the teacher can't see me"... little do they know I'm great at blending in with the blue swirly slide.

Here is what I see when they are in the shade, "without no teacher around!"

Children coming up with a plan then working together to build mulch houses for ants or other critters that might

also need the shade (which is an increadibly important skill as they find their way through life),children talking about their families, especially their siblings they are not so happy with (this is creating true intimate connection) and children comforting someone who is angry, lonely or sad. This is real world shit happening in the shade. How do I know this?

Yesterday I was at Reston Town Center, an outdoor shopping center with great stores and of course the most important thing, shade and Starbucks. I splurged and got a giant chocolate Mocha Cookie Crumble frappacino with all the whipped topping and crumbles please.

Because it was crockpot cookin hot, I retreated to a shady open area where couples gather, kids play, old men play chess and people walk their dogs.

As I was watching I noticed something. The adults were doing the same thing in the shade the kids do. They were talking about families, playing games and comforting eachother in the coolness and quiet of the shade. Real friendships and intimacy happening right there in front of me, because no one was watching.

No one was hovering, tigering or helicoptering... little did they know I happened to be watching and listening to EVERYTHING that was going on.

When you are in kindergarten and in the shade on the playground, no one watches, hovers, tigers or helicopters. Authentic friendships are formed and learning happens.

We can allow our child to experience these all important "shade" moments as well. We can watch from a distance instead of hovering. We can let them problem solve with others and learn through discovery without tigering. Most importantly, we can help them become who they are and trust themselves without hovering.

They will be safe if we are near but not too near.

In our world of scary, dangerous and devisive, we want to hold our children close. We want them to hear what is representative of our family's beliefs, and we want to make sure no one hurts them physically or emotionally. We don't need to hover to do that.

Watching from afar is a wonderful gift to give young children. It helps them become adults who can turn inward to determine what is appropriate, safe and kind. Kids who as teens and adults TRUST themselves without having to look to someone for the "right" answer.

I have children in college. I still try to watch from afar although, they are away at college,and it's SO HARD not to be able to hover, tiger, and helicopter,but I know that's not what's best for them. It's what's best for me. And their life, is NOT about me.

So treat yourself to something extra big and delicious and watch from afar as your children play on the playground. You might just be suprised at what you learn from them.

,

Independence for Children Means Independence for Parents

From the moment our children are born we walk beside them, in front of them and

behind them to make sure they are successful in life and honestly, it's quicker then having them do it themselves. We pick them up when they fall down, we order their meals for them until they are 8. We defend their behavior at parent-teacher conferences and sometimes...we do their school work for them (my go to complaint was "This kid NEVER picks up his stuff!", when my favorite past time activity was of course... pickingup his stuff). And all of those things above, happen when life is busy and not so fraught with sad.

Often times with divorce or other sad life changes, we do even more for our kids to help them somehow be safe from all the sadness. When I got divorced I decided to get my kids a dog. I thought somehow, that would make up for all the pain divorce had caused them in their young lives. I also fed the dog and walked the dog (SOMETIMES they would have to come with me, but not often). They played with the dog. Not a great strategy on my part, but it sure made me feel better. My kids became more dependent on me then ever and the result was a great deal of stress and frustration for all of us.

Suddenly it occurred to me. The invisible deal I had made with my kids sucked. I would constantly ponder the question: How come my 9 and 11 year old kids at home were so much more dependent then my 5 and 6 year olds in my kindergarten class?? Late one night, over two cranberry vodkas and the Michelle Pfeiffer movie "Dangerous Minds,"I had an epiphany. I required NO independence of my children at home and ALL the independence from my kindergarteners at school. Instead of asking my own two children questions to support their independence, I was doing EVERYTHING for them. I hoped it would take away the hurt. It didn't. You know that great feeling you get when you plan your first vacation on your own and have a really great time? Kids have the same great feeling when they do something themselves. Sometimes they are successful, sometimes not. Either way they can at least have ownership over their effort by learning how to succeed and (GASP) fail ( I was in the GASP catagory for a loooong time).

If you find yourself in the same gasping state I was in, I'd like to offer some suggestions that may help you help your kids to become more independent. The key here, is knowing some simple language to use that can help them think and try a little harder on their own.

PROBLEM: SAY TO THEM: INSTEAD OF:

Coat on the floor Where does your coat go? Picking it up for them

Doesn't understand Read the directions again Showing them exactly how

how to complete carefully. Try one or two by to do it or doing it for

homework yourself. I'llcheck back in a them

few minutes.

Can't find something Slow down, check again, Looking for it while they

even the places you don't play on their tablet or

think it will be. I want you to watch tv

look for five minutes. Hard.

If you can't find it, look again.

A broken toy Hmmmm. Can you think of how Bring it over here. I'll get

we can fix it together? I'll come to it when I can

back in five minutes. You let me

know your ideas and what you'll

need. I'll get it and we'll work

together to fix it

Needs a snack Look for some _____________ Stopping what you are You know where the snacks are doing to get them a snack

Yes, this takes time. Yes, it takes practice and patience on your part. For young children (and adults alike) failure is an important part of learning. Doing all the things for them can make it difficult for them to become independent humans. Teaching them self-help skills and problem solving will benefit them at home, in school and in life. Doing this work with them is time up front that will save you time later and for that you will all be better off.

Trust me.... it's worth it.