Covid, Injustice and Masks, OH MY!

I've always been aware that I need to learn more about the systemic racial problems in our nation wide public school system. But it all just feels so big. The other day I was listening to Austin Channing Brown's YouTube show "The Next Question". The episode was called "Spoiler Alert: Segregation is Still Here". Nikole Hannah-Jones was the guest. NHJ is a journalist who won the McArthur Genius Award for her work chronicling the persistence of segregation in education. The episode focused on how racism is still a systemic problem in our country's public school system, While I was watching, my first thought was, "If you tell me the problem, I can help fix it." Wooooaaaaah. Slow down there Charlie. Not so fast.

She listed three big, and I mean BIG changes that would have to happen to tackle racism in the public schools: Get rid of all the charter schools in the country. Eliminate local property tax funding for public schools, and eliminate school districts that share a single county. Yeah. All that.

Getting rid of charter schools would essential force all students, regardless of social class, race or ethnicity to attend the public schools. The outcome to this would be more parents caring about what happens in the public schools. If their child goes to a private institution or charter school, there is no concern from those parents about what happens in the public school down the road. But if their kids is going there, it changes the playing field. Now EVERYONE has to care what happens in the public school.

Eliminating funding schools through local property taxes would essentially give all schools the same resources. If you live in a district where the value of your house is low, AND you have a high property tax, your school will still have less funding than the school down the road where the million dollar houses have a LOW property tax.

Lastly, she calls for eliminating school districts that serve a single county. So if there's a township, within a county, and you don't like the public school your child would go to, you can move down the road to that township to go to a school in a different district, inherently enabling white flight.

These ideas feel incredibly overwhelming to me, and I feel very helpless, having no idea how all that could possibly happen by the time school resumes in August. I know it won't, but I sincerely hope that it does. I sincerely hope that the protest and call for change that we are seeing now, will change the structure of the public schools to serve all children with fidelity and equity. But what can I do now, to serve all of my students equitably? How can we as educators effect change in our classrooms in a system that is so broken and so in need of an enormous overhaul? It starts with knowing how my words and behavior impacts the students in my classroom. I may not be able to do much about charter schools, but I can certainly think carefully about how my language and behavior can immediately impact the children in my classroom. And let's not forget, that as we enter into the fall, our friend Covid-19 will be waiting for us.

One cannot write about the fall of 2020 with out the acknowledgement of the stress and the changes that Covid-19 will bring about in our teaching. Stress about our personal safety, our students' safety and the safety of our families will be a constant stream of thought. We know that "behavior management" will look different, whether we are teaching on-line or in the schools. I'm trying to wrap my head around teaching 5 year olds who have to wear a mask, and not play with friends. Literally. How is THAT going to work? How do you share Legos while social distancing? Then there's the desk situation. Desks in kindergarten? I went to kindergarten in 1972 and WE didn't have desks! Let's add to that, the children not leaving the classroom except for recess. How will THAT work for them and us? Some of us will be teaching in school and on-line, or just on-line. The curriculum will look different, and we will need to learn a whole new way to teach our students. For me, the online thing worked for about two weeks. After that, the kids were done, and I was done. The platform was totally incompatible with interactive teaching and learning, I didn't know who was going to show up and who wasn't, and I couldn't even see the little lovies all at once. Thinking about all this leads me to the kitchen to eat cake, cookies, ice cream... maybe an apple, but highly unlikely. Remember the famous Saturday Night Live skit where Tina Fey is on the Weekend Up Date eating an entire sheet cake because Donald Trump was just elected? Unless I'm careful, that's me. Monday -Sunday. All the nights.

So back we go to paying attention to our own selves first. We should be sleeping 8 hours, eating 3 meals a day,and snacking on healthy food (as opposed to the Keebler Cheese Peanut Butter Crackers and Diet Coke that I often succumb to at 2 pm). Exercising, meditation, drinking half you body weight in ounces of water, and keeping it to 1 bottle of wine a week instead of a night (let's face it - the pandemic has brought out the best drinking in those of us that do so). We need face time with our families and friends somehow, and some damn good bad TV. That comes first. All of that. Our job is not to exhaust ourselves to go above and beyond. That just WON'T work when it comes to self-care. We just really have to do our best to take care of ourselves. However we can. Even if it's just slowing down your breathing and taking a beat before responding to someone or something.

If we are taking care of ourselves it is so much easier to be thoughtful about our words and actions with our students. Let's be honest - Covid-19 has done NOTHING when it comes to improving equity for our students and families. The elderly, Hispanic and black families have suffered greatly. We have learned about the people Covid-19 easily takes hostage. We know it LOVES poverty, because it can spread so rapidly when multiple families live in the same house. It loves that those in poverty have a more difficult time with living a healthy life style, both emotionally and physically overall. It ESPECIALLY loves illegal immigrants, and people who don't have health insurance so they avoid going to the doctor or hospital. Those families, those kids, will be returning to school in the fall. So will the kids of families who have literally quarantined for the last six months and have had little social interaction. So will the kids whose families HAVEN'T quarantined and have chosen not to socially distance or wear masks. All of the families. All of the things.

Knowing all of this, I believe the simplest thing we can do to address the issue of race, poverty and fear in our classrooms is to be conscious of our words. Words can do everything. Words can love and hate. Words can blame and shame. Words can help and heal. Words can't fix everything that's racial wrong with our school system. As Glennon Doyle tweeted: "We can't change the world, but we CAN take back our grocery carts." I'd like to suggest just three ideas that have changed the way I think about how I talk with my students. They can help get that grocery cart where it belongs.

1. When conflict arises, leave shame on the other side of the door. The difference between "Why are you so mean to everyone?" and "Why are you making mean choices" is vast. "Why are you so mean to everyone?" tells the child they are a mean person and cannot change from that. "Why are you making a mean choice?" gives the child the opportunity to talk and move through a mean choice. "Why are you so mean to everyone?" is shame. Separate the child from the behavior. So hard to do sometimes, but essential for our babies to become better people and make better choices. I know choosing words during stressful situations is hard, but we can do hard things.

2. Using Restorative Justice as a tool for righting a wrong can help create an emotionally safe classroom community. In my blog post "Sometimes it Takes More Than a Band-Aid, I break down Restorative Justice and suggest what it might look like in

the classroom. When we stand in front of the class, point our finger and yell, "Go to the Principal's office",we are serving up public humiliation without solving the

problem. Research shows that public humiliation will not change student behavior. However,"You broke it, you fix it" can be a way to teach empathy and how to make appropriate reparations. Restorative just can create more self/emotional awareness. It allows the child to work through the problem problem, heal hurt feelings,

and promote empathy towards others in our students. (caveat here - this assumes the behavior is not putting you and your students in immediate danger physically or emotionally.) I know that finding the time to problem-solve is hard, but we can do hard things.

3. If you don't already, teach positive self-talk. "I can try." or "I can't do it yet"are quick, easy mantras to start with. Some of your kids may be too overwhelmed to try new things that feel hard to them. If you teach kindergarten, try writing with your opposite hand than you usually do. But wait, don't stop there. Try to do that, using the Greek Alphabet, all the while learning the sounds each symbol represents. Now piece all of that together to try and write a word or a sentence. That's what it feels like to learn how to write when you are five. Picture books that emphasize resilience, flexible thinking, empathy and positive self-talk can make those ideas a consistent theme during learning time. Chris Rashka's, "Everyone Can Learn to Ride a Bike," and Kobi Yamada's What Do You Do With A Problem?", are a great place to start. You can find all kinds of lists of books that include culturally diverse main characters. Here is one of my favorites.

You may also want to give your read alouds and classroom library books a once over to make sure those story books represent as many cultures and races as possible. I know that taking the time to do that can be hard. But we can do hard things. Here is a great list for picture books that emphasize resilience and "can do" thinking.

So to recap a very long post: We can't do a whole lot at the moment to change the racial inequities in our public school system, but we CAN make a conscious effort to change it in our classrooms. The front lines pave the way for the cavalry.

Covid-19 will still be here in the fall. We can make an effort to physically and emotionally take care of our selves so we can be there for our students and families.

We can be thoughtful and precise in how we use words to talk with our kids. Shame and blame are things to be avoided.

We can reinforce positive self-talk and read books that encourage resilience and show ethnic

diversity.

We can remember this phrase: "Teach on, We can do hard things. We belong to each other. And love wins." It's a rephrase of a quote from my favorite author, Glennon Doyle.

And here's a page to color when you just need to take a break, from doing hard things.

Sometimes It Takes More Than a Band- Aid

A long time ago, in VERY distant past, I came across the woman who would ultimately inform my decisions about how to problem solve in the classroom with my students. The moment I went in to her preschool classroom as a substitute, I knew that she was different. And I wanted to be different too.

So imagine this. I was new to all this little people stuff. I hadn't been in a preschool classroom since I was literally in preschool. Everything was perfectly miniaturized for little bodies. And the kids! Tiniest hands I had held in years. I thought it would be fun to be a sub at a preschool, but I really just wanted to earn a few extra bucks for dollar beer night at my favorite bar I spent a LOT of time at during college. It's the end of my first day, and it was a LONG day, and a lot more work than I thought. I mean after all, how much work can 4 year olds be? All that was left of the day was choice time. Thank God. I could just let the kids play (ha!). As I was watching the clock for 3:30, I was also watching a little boy joyfully pretending to be a hairdresser in the housekeeping corner. His name was Robert. He was the skinniest little kid I had ever seen. He was a fair skinned black boy, with enormous brown eyes. He had a soft gentle voice, but could throw a punch when necessary. I loved everything about him. To pretend he was a hairdresser, he donned a dress and began "doing" all the other kids hair. Apparently he was a fabulous hairdresser, because there was quite the line.

Before I continue, it's important to tell you that this was not your ordinary preschool. This was preschool was actually inside what was an apartment complex where single parent families were living until they could piece their lives back together again. There were no fathers, just mothers transitioning from abuse, alcohol addiction, and prison among other things. These children, along with their mothers, had been through a great deal of trauma in their short lives. Our preschool was a combination of children from the attached apartments as well as children from the community that surrounded the apartment complex.

Now back to Robert. While he was busily doing hair and chit-chatting with the patrons of "Robert's Hair Care" his classmate Sarah, who was watching him with her thumb in her mouth and mad eyes, stomped over to him, looked him in the eye and fiercely yelled the meanest thing her little brain could think of. "You make an ugly girl! Boys don't wear dresses and they don't do hair." With that she grabbed his hairbrush out of his hand, threw it across the floor and stamped away feeling confident she had made her point.

Robert stood there in shock. After a few moments, his big, beautiful brown eyes slowly began to well with tears. He didn't make a sound. Then, like a dam that's been broken, the tears flowed quickly. There was just so much sad, wet on his face. Sarah had hurt him from the outside in and the inside out. A caveat for my little lovie Sarah, she had not been around a parent that modeled empathy and kindness. Her mom was too busy trying to stay sober. Sarah was just replaying what she'd seen and heard. I think Robert taking on that role scared her because it seemed strange and unfamiliar. What she did, was the only way she knew how to say that. It doesn't excuse her unkindness, but it does give meaning to it.

As I watched these events unfold, Debbie walked quickly over to Robert, got down on her knees and asked Robert what he needed. He didn't know, but when she sat down next to him, he fell into her lap as he cried great, heaving sobs. Debbie sat with him, and I sat Sarah down in a chair away from him. I was REALLY mad at her.

After he and Sarah had settled down, Debbie invited Sarah over to the floor with them. I was confused. Wasn't she in a time out? Debbie then asked Sarah, "Do you see Robert's face? He is so sad right now." Sarah just looked at them both with a blank stare and said nothing. Debbie waited a moment then asked, "Robert, can you tell Sarah what she did that made you so sad?" Robert was NOT use to speaking up for himself. I'm not sure he even knew he the voice to do that, but with Debbie's help, he was able to relay to Sarah the exact facts of what had happened. When he was done, there was still no response from Sarah. Then Debbie softly asked Robert, "Robert, what do you need from Sarah to make you feel better? What does she need to do to fix this?"

I was shocked. Clearly she was going about this all wrong! Robert shouldn't have to explain why he's mad! Why was she using such a calm, kind voice with Sarah? Where was the time out? Where was the threat to call home? Where was the punishment?????? I was incensed, dumbfounded. And I thought Debbie was a seasoned teacher. Bah. Clearly she had missed this section of her Behavior Management course!

Despite my trepidation, I gave Debbie the benefit of the doubt and kept listening. Robert whispered something in Debbie's ear. Then he whispered something else. WHAT WAS HE WHISPERING???? I could hardly stand it. Debbie looked at Robert and said, "I heard you, now Sarah needs to hear you. I want you to look Sarah in the eye and tell her what she did that hurt your feelings." My ears started to perk up. This was a new twist in the apology game...skeptically I thought, maybe there is a rhyme or reason to this.

Robert kept his head in Debbie's chest and said nothing to Sarah. Debbie said softly to him, "Go on, it's ok, I will help you." With that Debbie started Robert's sentence for him, because sometimes, a kid just needs a spring board to get started talking. She said, "Sarah when you came and"... Robert gently interjected, " yelled scary, mean things to me," His tears began to well up again. "It's ok buddy, you're doing great," she whispered, "keep going." "You yelled scary, mean things to me you and hurt my heart." He stopped, wiping the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand. "Is there anything else Robert?, Debbie asked. "You grabbed my brush. You almost broke it. That was mean." Robert told her. He needed no encouragement with that statement. His soft, sad voice had grown in volume and confidence with the guidance and encouragement of his teacher. Her lap, was his safe space.

After listening to Robert, there was still no response from Sarah. During Robert's recall of how he felt and what happened, Debbie prompted Sarah several times: "Sarah, I need you to look at Robert while he is talking to you." It seemed as though Sarah had no remorse. I was losing my patience with both of them, Sarah AND Debbie. I was intrigued by how Debbie was working with Robert, but seriously, when was Sarah going to get sent to the office? This was taking way too long. I sensed paintbrushes being tossed about behind me....

Finally, Debbie looked at Sarah and asked, "What did Robert just say?" I was stunned when I heard Sarah repeat Robert's words of frustration. After she finished repeating what Robert told her Debbie firmly said, "I need you to fix this for Robert." Sarah looked at Robert and suddenly said, "How can I make it better?"

What the hell??? I thought. I was stunned. What 4 year old asks THAT question?

Robert told her while looking her in the eye, "Please get my hair brush back to me." Debbie quickly interjected, "Robert you do not need to say 'please'. He tried again. "Get my hair brush back to me. And I need you to leave me alone." he said softly. Sarah got the hairbrush, handed it to him, and walked away. Robert got back to his hair dressing and Debbie sat back down with her and they began to problem solve Sarah's behavior together. I was speechless. Clearly, this was a classroom practice, not just a one time thing. The children had been coached and supported in this process since the beginning of the school year. I had finally come around. Debbie WAS a seasoned teacher.

For the first time, I had witness something called, "Restorative Justice." In Restorative Justice, the only time the offender says, "I'm sorry" is when they are asked to by the victim.

Those are odd words to describe young children, victim and offender, but I'm going to use them for the rest of this post for the purpose of continuity and clarity.

I believe anyone reading this is either aware of or well versed in Restorative Justice, but in case anyone needs a refresher, it's a controlled system where the offender can make amends to the victim, take responsibility for what they have done, and within those conversations, restore the community back to a whole. No vacant,"I'm sorries." No public shame or humiliation. The offender's behavior is still addressed, and so are the needs of the victim. Both of these things can live in the same space.

Over the last 12 years, I have made Restorative Justice a consistent practice in my classroom, regardless of the student's age. It took me a bit of time to practice with my students, and get the feel for the rhythm that goes along with it. I had to force myself to unlearn what I had been taught as a child by my parents, and my teachers, about how to make things right when you have hurt someone. Usually the focus was on correcting my behavior, not taking care of the person I had hurt.

My administrators like Restorative Justice. This is because the only times I have called down to the office was when the offender was putting their classmates in danger (usually throwing big things like chairs etc...) or were a danger to themselves. You can learn a lot about a child's ability to empathize and show remorse with Restorative Justice, it's a wonderful spring- board for class conversations around classroom as a community. Restorative Justice creates bonds between teachers and students alike. It creates a safe space where children can live, make mistakes, and fix them without feeling ashamed. It's the behavior that is "bad". Not the child. It's about children taking responsibility for their actions in a way that can be meaningful to both parties.

I have overheard other teachers on the playground address similar situations with, "Say your sorry!" The offender says they're sorry, sometimes meaning it, sometimes not, sometimes not even looking the victim in the eye. Once the apology has been made, the teacher says, "Now off you two go. Be kind!" I completely get that. This is what we have been taught. This works for us because it is a quick fix. We don't have a lot of time to sit and break things down with our students. This is the kind of thing that is hard to make time for in the classroom or on the playground where a million other things are happening. It may be something that has to wait until there is a space for it.

I also appreciate the use of an apology. It is a great place to start. For me though, it just doesn't feel like it should be the stopping point. It's very likely that the victim doesn't want just an apology. How many times has someone said "I'm sorry" to you and as you walked away you rolled your eyes and thought, that's a load of bullshit. Once I had a teammate say some really unkind things to me. She'd pulled out all her knives for that conversation. When all was said and done,I was angry as hell and I didn't want an apology. First I just wanted her to leave me alone so I could breath. After that, I wanted her to acknowledge that she had hurt my feelings with her words. I wanted her to ask me how she could fix my feelings. But instead she said, "I'm sorry," and went about her business as if I was suddenly OK. I WASN'T OK! I was actually pretty resentful about what she had said, and it took me some time before I felt comfortable around her again. I'm sure she meant well. I'm sure she believed that saying "I'm sorry,"was the right thing to do. I know I should have stood up for myself when she said she was sorry, but that's a whole other blog post. She was irritated with me because she couldn't understand why I couldn't "just get over it."

The whole incident between my teammate and I made the days after, stressful. not just for the two of us, but for the whole team. If she had asked me how she could make things better between us, I'd have healed more quickly, and so would our team. Offender acknowledges and gives restitution, victim begins to heal, community begins to heal. It can heal both adults and children alike. Restorative Justice conversations in the classroom are not band-aids to quickly stop the bleeding. Restorative Justice conversations in the classroom are the stitches that allow the wound fully heal.

So You Wanna Be A Teacher? You'd Better Learn How to Unpack

As a seasoned teacher, there's one thing I've mastered: unpacking. In teaching we unpack everything; our classroom at the beginning of the school year (my favorite), state and county standards, lesson plans, and our thinking about student behavior. Despite the length of the unpacking I've always felt there was something missing. Unpacking ourselves.

I've been in therapy as long as I've been a teacher. That's a really long time. It's pretty expensive. It's the best thing I could've done for myself and my relationships with my family and friends. Most importantly, it's the best thing I could do for my students. It's not the stress of my work that sends me running and screaming to my therapists couch every Monday. It's the learning about myself that I transfer to better myself, my relationships, and teaching each day. What I know about myself is ultimately what guides my interactions with and reactions to my students.

My preferred teaching style is that of a facilitator, although when my kinders are wrestling on the carpet I become a dictator pretty quickly! I've chosen the facilitating role because of my experiences as a daughter, and a student. Often when there is a difficult issue in the classroom, students and their teachers go into fight or flight mode. Our breathing and anxiety kick into full gear and we generally respond in two ways: emotionally or from our knowing.

Our emotional reaction is learned. Maybe you inadvertently shame a child to make them stop whatever it is they're doing. You might say, "What's wrong with you?!!" That is no doubt a shaming response that we learned along our life's path. Another response might be, "Please stop. I will give you a sticker if you stop." That's bargaining. Maybe we had a parent who bargained with us to get us to listen. Then there's the old... "If you don't stop, I will take away your recess!" That's threatening. How many times as a child did we hear, "If you don't stop ___ ___ ___ ___," fill in the blanks. "I don't have time for this", and with that the adult walks away.

Unless we recognize what the tapes in our heads say about managing kids, we will go back to what we have inadvertently learned. Not always a great idea. When a student behavior activates a trigger inside of us, we respond in a way that is safely familiar. By doing this, we are putting our own issues as adults on to our students. As a parent, I know they've already got that at home. They need something different at school.

I'd like to give a caveat before I go into my "I know I'm right because...." mode. I work with kindergarteners. Most of the issues that come up are not easily solved, but often easily stopped. I recognize there is a huge difference as the children get older and their stress becomes greater.

That being said, the more I have learned about myself in therapy, the more I am able to slow down and show up in a loving way for my students. When I'm in the middle of something and there's a student conflict across the room my go-to is: "STOP! What in God's green Earth are you doing???," in my loudest, angriest and most disappointed voice imaginable. Yeah, that's not my best-self rearing it's head.

Here's where unpacking your own shit is most important. When I was a kid and an adult tol d me to stop, and asked what was wrong with ME - boy did I stop. I not only stopped, but became silent, tucked into my shell and became invisible. Deep inside I know that hearing those words, shaming or not, forced me to stop and get quiet. As you may suspect, my lesser-self spews those words to my students in order to make the stress and noise stop. In that moment, I don't give a crap about what that kid is thinking. I just need to make it stop so we can go outside! The fact that choking is happening in my already noisy recess line SCREAMS that we need to go outside!

Take two. Same kind of crazy as noted above. My best self looks, knows, and yells: "Stop! Get your hands off each other and take a seat right where you are!" A good yell is necessary when you are looking for your keys, your glasses, your phone AND your coffee on the way to morning recess. Once I've decided the only really necessary item is my keys, which I forgot I had in my hand, I can take a few breaths and head over to the ankle-biters who violated the "don't choke the person in front of you," rule. I hastily put one of the kids in the back of the line and one of them in the front. "We are going to talk about this once we get outside." I tell them. My best self knows that clearly, there was a purposeful reason for these children's behavior. Children often have a difficult time verbalizing issues instead of using their bodies to express themselves. Unless they are taught, they will not have the language or self-contro when there's an issue, so they respond physically. Especially boys. Yep - broad brush strokes I know, but that's been my experience.

Once we get outside the conversation about the incident in line goes something like this:

Me to the chokee: Are you ok?

Chokee: No. He/She hurt me.

Me to the choker: Look at your friend. Do you see his/her face? What do you notice?

Naturally, the choker gives no response and is looking down at the ground. He/ she is clearly feeling some remorse. Amen.

Me: Look up please. What do you notice about _________________'s face?

Choker: He/she is crying and she has a frown.

Me: How do you think _______ feels about what you did?

Choker: Bad.

Then we go into the restorative justice process which is a whole different discussion all together, so I'll skip that. Let's just say the choker has apologized and give the chokee a gentle hug because that's what the chokee needed to feel better.

Chokee is ok, and satisfied with the outcome. He/she runs off to play with friends.

The choker and I are left to do the rest of the work.

Me: That was so scary. I was really worried you were going to hurt ___________.

What happened?

Choker: ________ hurt my feelings because he/she said that they wouldn't be my friend outside.

Ah. Here we go. Now I know the trigger. However, that's not enough to have an effective conversation with this child. I need to unpack this so this little one can begin to help himself/herself without me the next time.

Me: Hmmm. How did that make you feel?

Choker: Angry and sad. (they know this because we have spent a lot of time talking about emotions in our classroom)

Me: I'm sorry that you felt angry and sad. It must have been a big feeling for you to try to hurt someone.

Choker: Yep. This big. (we've learned to scale problems so we can adjust our thoughts about our feelings appropriately)

Me: Choking someone is a pretty rotten choice. You could really have hurt them. Do you think that choking someone will make it better?

Choker: No.

Me: So we are going to have to figure out what to do the next time you feel that way. What are some things we've learned to do when we get angry? (We've also talked a lot about ways to calm ourselves down)

Choker: Take some bear breaths. Get away. Clench my fists really tight. Use my words.

Me: Which one works best for you?

Choker: Usually bear breaths and walking away.

Me: Let's try that next time. Choking someone is so dangerous. I know it can be hard, but you need to stop when you feel that angry in your hands. What's our rule about our hands?

Choker: Keep our hands and feet to ourselves.

Me: I want you to find someone else to play with so you don't get upset again.

Choker: Alright.

I recognize the situation I'm describing is a "best scenario" case as far as timing goes. Situations can occur any time, any day. Children can respond in a variety of ways. It's just my way of describing an effective conversation in it's entirety.

Because I've been in therapy I know my triggers. Physical harm is a big one (no one's going to get hurt on my watch). More than any other trigger, I react strongly to physical harm. I grew up relating fear of physical harm to bullying by peers, feeling helpless and afraid, and getting in deep, shaming trouble by adults in school. One of my earliest childhood memories was being chased by three older boys who told me they were going to beat me up. In fear, I started to run away and tripped over a tree stump, ripping the skin off my leg. That was scary, physical pain brought on by someone else. At one point in 5th grade I got so angry at someone who was bullying me, that I got in a physical fight with them. My fighting wasn't nearly as tough as my mouth, so naturally they kicked my ass and I got in trouble for starting the fight. The bully got away scott free. INJUSTICE I TELL YOU! Another time at the skating rink one of my peers wouldn't leave me alone. I told her several times to back the hell off (I had just learned the joy and power of the curse word "hell"). She wouldn't go away, so I threatened to hurt her. Strangely enough, she yelled, "If you're so tough go ahead and hit me! Hit me as hard as you can you bully! I tried, but she was way tougher than me and did more damage to me than I did to her. Needless to say, she called her mom and that did not end well for me. You see where I'm going with this? I have to be aware of my anxiety and stress around physical harm. I have to remember how helpless I felt when I used my fists to say what I was feeling. As a kid, I could think of no other choice. As an adult, I can empathize with that feeling and teach my students to respond differently. I know if I'm not paying attention to my own response, I will inadvertently listen to the tapes in my head and shame that child. It takes vigilance, self-awareness, and empathy on my part in order to get through my conversation with the choker in a way that will benefit them instead of isolate and shame them.

Unpack yourself. If you haven't started, now might be a good time. Covid-19 , the recent uprise about inequality, a shoddy government and our worries about what school will look like in the fall, have made us all feel emotionally tapped out. Collective fear and exhaustion is weighing heavy on anyone involved in serving our students in August. We do NOT want to put our emotions and heaviness on our students. They need calm, rational adults who will help them feel safe and loved. They need adults who have unpacked themselves, sat with what they've learned, and use that self-awareness during the school day. It's a lot like when we get home from a trip. We unpack our suitcase, all the while thinking about everything that happened: the things we loved, the things that annoyed us. We think about the great meals we had and the terrible bar service. We think, "The next time I go there, I'm going to _______________ instead of ________. Maybe we recognize that we don't want to EVER go back there (which is how I felt about my trip to Ocean City last year... crazy town)! I tend to feel really tired after a trip, so after I unpack, I like to lay down and watch TV. This is not my way of avoiding laundry. This is how I get my bearings and show up better for everyone in my home.

Unpack yourself. Sit with what you learn. Think about how you can use what you've learned to be your best self with your students. Imagine instances where and when triggers may come up in the classroom. This kind of self-awareness develops empathy and patience with yourself and your students. It also makes it easier to find your coffee. Trust me on this one.