Big Sad

Today I was in a mood.

As it often does when I feel this way, my brain runs back to my kindergarten classes to escape the current reality. This time the brain upload was on inner self-care during crisis and one little fella in particular who stood out from the rest of the crew.

Jordan who was autistic, from an impoverished home, and weighed a whopping 70 lbs had a lot of Big Sad. One morning, Jordan, who was now in first grade, was completely overwhelmed and ran away far enough from his class that he had to be found by several teachers. They had already began to help him calm down when I got there. They had kids waiting for them, I had a wonderful IA helping mine, so I told them to go and I would stay.

I immediately went down on my knees so he could see the calm and love in my eyes. Then I started my go to conversation with kids who are having big feelings:

1. "Jordan, lets breath. Blow out the candle." I put my first finger up and he began to breath in slowly and blow out slowly as I counted outloud and modeled what I meant, "Breath in, 1,2,3,4. Breath out, 1,2,3,4." After a few breaths I could see and feel his body begin to calm and I knew he was available for a conversation.

2. "How big is your sad? Show me with your hands." He showed me a huge gap between his two chubby little hands.

3. "That IS a big sad! Where do you feel your sad?" He pointed to his eyes and his puffed out chest.

4. "I am so sorry you are Big Sad. Can you tell me what happened?" He told me he was tired and had a tough morning waking up. He was missing his mom and baby sister.

5. I repeated his words, "you had a really tough morning and now you are missing your mom and baby sister and want to go home. Is that right?" He nodded, wiping his tearful face on his sleeve. "Is there any more?" He shook his head no and fell limp in my arms.

Sometimes just identifying and saying WHY you are sad is like having a weight lifted off your shoulders. Out of the mouth, out of the body. AND I could totally relate to what he was saying in my own grown-up way, so I acknowledge that to him, "That IS a Big Sad, I feel like that too when I'm having a hard time. I just want to be in a calm, quiet spot with someone I love." Again, he nodded.

5. I gave him a tissue (the sleeve was just gross at this point), hugged him for a few moments until I felt his heart beat and body begin to calm.

It's fascinating to me that when you are holding someone, their breathing and heart rate will begin to mimic your own. Slow breath in, slow breath out.

6. I asked him if he was ready to bring his Big Sad back to class. I told him he could have his feelings and still try to do his work.

He nodded, and I took his plump little hand in mine both of us knowing he was ready to go back to his teacher and friends.

These ideas about how to help children learn these strategies are not my own. I put them together from teaching books, watching collegues and experimenting with my own students.

My hope is that if I can do that with him enough (there is a LOT of opportunity for me to do this with children who struggle with trauma daily) that he will one day be able to do it for himself. After all, independence is more than just zipping your coat up by yourself.

So today, as I was feeling my big feelings, ( you know what that's like, it was for sure ugly crying) and my five year old self took over, I wasn't sure how to find my way back to my grown-up self.

Which leads me back to what I had taught Jordan and try to teach my students daily.

As I was feeling my Big Sad, I was also worried that I'd end up in the fetal position under the blanket on the couch, with the tv set numbing my feelings for the next 24 hours, but I can't do that today.

IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY! There can be no Hamilton for the 100th time just because it's comforting! It's 90 degrees out! WHY for God's sake would I want to hide under a blanket???? THERE IS NO SPACE FOR BIG SAD TODAY! I WANTED to enjoy myself! Family! Fireworks! Pasta Salad and hamburgers with strange ingredients cooking on the grill! Like Jordan, I wanted to try to out run my sad. Out of no where, I thought about how as an adult, I help my five year olds with their Big Sad.

I began to walk myself through the five steps (which as much as it may seem to an unfortunate passerbyer, does not require a diagnosis of schizophrenia):

I took breaths to calm my body.

I asked myself how big my sad was (this was a big enough sad to run the length of the path I was walking on)

I asked myself where I felt my sad (like a rock is on my chest and my throat),

I told myself I was sorry that I was feeling so sad and asked if I knew why I was sad.

I thought through that piece as much as I could, to identify it and later in the day, say it outloud to a close friend.

I held myself in my heart until I was feeling more grounded.

Finally, just like Jordan, I put one foot in front of the other until I knew I could walk back home and begin my day, even if my Big Sad lingered a bit.

School is a tough place to have a Big Sad, a LOT is expected of children there. The Fourth of July is a tough DAY to have a Big Sad. A lot is expected of me there. We can help our children with big feelings. After all, their big feelings are as big to them as scraping up a rent or mortgage payment is to us. If we can slow down and remember how, we can help them as well as ourselves to still feel those important feelings, acknowledge them, and move forward with our day. Even if we'd rather be with our moms, or lying on the couch with our hand tightly clenched around the remote.