Credit Card Debt and Behavior Management.... what the hell do they have in common????

This year school ended abruptly on March 17th. I left with nothing but my computer, and my hope that it would only be a few weeks before we were back. That was wishful thinking. Three months later I found myself in a close to packed up room wondering what the hell I was supposed to take home for the summer. One thing I knew, was that I wanted my teacher books. All of them. I was not going to leave them there for the mice or what ever, or who ever else might come along and snatch them up. Really.

As I was loading them into my car it hit me. I was carrying two boxes full of credit card debt, because I have an issue with buying any teacher book I can possibly find about reading, writing, and math. However, the majority of my teacher books center around behavior management. Yep, that little thing that goes along with teaching that no one book can tell you everything about. It's like parenting books. I remember thinking... in this exact order, "if I just have this book, I will be the perfect parent. Wait.... here's another book about the same thing, I'll just read a page....holy hell, I'm doing it all wrong. Wait, maybe this one will tell me exactly what to do." I never became the perfect parent, but I certainly was well versed in "What To Expect The First Year". I also noticed that I was beginning to synthesize all that baby information into parenting that made me feel more like me. My husband at that time noticed the noticed the number of books that were collecting around the house. He looked at me and said...."How about we just love the kid." And he was right, 20 years later, that kid is doing juuuust fine. We've had our share of joy, sadness, fright, embarrassment and pride surrounding our parenting, but in the really hard times we relied on our instinct.

Back to now... as I carried about my 2 large boxes of teacher books, I began to get that feeling again. Like, maybe I have a book problem. Then I checked my Amazon account and totalled up the amount of money I've spent on teacher books. Over $2000. What the hell did I think I was going to miss???? How many times did I think, "if I just read this book, I'll be the best teacher I can be.""If I just read this book, I'll learn a newer, better way to teach." As if I didn't know enough already. After all, I was doing the same thing that I did with my son. I was just loving my students, treating them like humans, being transparent and vulnerable with my own struggles, and learning how to listen to their stories. As I broke down the type of books that I had bought I realized two things; 1) The majority of them had to do with language. Not reading and writing, but listening. Listening during reading and writing. Listening during math. Listening when issues of conflict arose between children. Listening when a child was lost and tearful in the moment. 2) From all these books, I had created my own system of behavior management, which by the way, "behavior management"is a TERRIBLE name for helping children be their best selves. I think I may have to work on renaming that thing. Behavior management, throw that shit out the window. I think I'll call it "Knowing the 5 questions reporters always ask to get the full story. The who's, how's what's where and why's of Children's Emotional Behaviors." Maybe that's too long of a title, but you get my point. Unless you know, WHO that child is, WHERE that child is coming from, WHAT that child is responding to, HOW that child is responding, and WHY that child is responding that way - you are shit out of luck when it comes to "behavior management". And by the way, any book that tells you that you can learn all of this about the child in the first six weeks of school is full of crap. The children, like ourselves, are constantly changing. Don't assume that once you know what you think you should know, that things won't change, because they will. Usually it happens when you think, "ok, I finally have this kid locked in." That's like saying "I know why the baby is crying! She's hungry!" Guess what, the kid ain't always hungry every time she cries. Maybe she has a full diaper, maybe she doesn't like your singing... maybe, she just wants you to put her down and go fold the laundry. My point is, predictability is not really a truth when it comes to children. But I digress.

So let's break down why those 5 reporter questions are so important. In short - it's to get the WHOLE truth. Let's begin with WHO. Knowing WHO the child is. I'm not talking about the first, last, and middle name. I'm talking about WHO that child is. What makes that child tick. What things does that child love to do. Do they love, soccer, music, Fortnight (For the record I freaking HATE Fortnight, mostly because I can't do the "Floss"), reading with mommy or playing with their dog. Do they prefer to play alone or with others? Are they quiet in large or small group lessons? Maybe both. Do they have certain books or authors they gravitate to? Do they come from large or small families? Do they come from non-traditional families? Do they come with exceptional trauma? Who are the adults that are most influential in this child's life? Is the child new to the school? What is this child's race and ethnicity? (which by the way - is NOT always obvious) The list goes on and on, and changes the more you spend time with your students. If you want to reach any child, ever, you must know "who that child is". Establishing the "who's" of the children in your classroom is not an overnight occurrence. Or even a first week occurrence. It takes time consistently and intentionally listening to each child's story by asking questions and then PAYING ATTENTION to what that child is actually saying. We call this listening. I want you to count how many times I say the world "listen" in this post. I'm shooting for 50, but I'm an overachiever. As I am listening, II take lots of anecdotal notes (when I can). I just can't remember everything each child tells me that I find of importance.

Let's get on with the "WHERE'S" of the child. Where does this child come from each morning? Home? A sitter? Daycare? Is the child coming each day from a home below the poverty line? Are they coming from a home well ABOVE the poverty line? Are they walking, bussing, riding a bike or being dropped of by someone. How frequently does that change? Where did they sleep the night before? Do they sleep in a room or bed by themselves, or do they sleep with their entirie family? Is it a quiet peaceful home, or a home where there is a baby? Is it a transient home where there is a great deal of stress and inconsistency? Where is their house in physical relation to the school? Are they coming from a home where one parent works and one parent stays home? Both parents work? Both parents stay home or are out of work? The where can also include "where in the day does this child lose it". Where in the classroom? Where in the school? Again, anecdotal notes when possible. I say possible because it isn't always possible in the middle of a tantrum or behavioral break down. When one of my students was screaming and trying to run out of the classroom because she was angry about not getting playdough for choice time (or so it seemed), there was no taking notes. Moments like that are when you just have to try and lock in as much as you can and write it down later.

The who and the where are the things that are generally the most obvious, and are a great place to start when answering the what, how and why.

The WHAT is the first obvious place when there is an issue in the classroom. Usually the "what" is short for "WTF is going on here?!?!?!" After that brief onset of teacher panic at seeing two littles rolling on the ground and throwing punches it's really helpful to take a breath, stop, look and listen (there it is again) to figure out what is happening. Look at the child's physical response, listen to the child's verbal response. If there is another child involved, try and pay attention to their responses and actions as well.

The next part, the HOW and the WHAT, is very dicey territory for two reasons: 1) they are children, they may not be able to verbalize how or what happened. They may be able to verbalize this, but it is through their own lense, and not necessarily what you may have "seen" happen. 2) You will have the class reporters, and the town criers, the Paul Revere's of the class who will tell you EXACTLY what they saw and how it happened. Most likely these stories of what exactly happened, aren't really what exactly happened. They are all different versions of the same thing. The HOW, also refers to the child's response. Like are they throwing chairs,or are they huddled in the fetal position behind the cubbies? Did they shut themselves in the bathroom and hide under the sink, or are they throwing chairs or other projectiles across the room or at someone. That can be some scary shit. The "how" and the "what" are NOT exact science, and can only be untangled if you already have begun to know the WHO and the WHERE. See what I'm getting at? If you don't know the WHO and the WHERE - you are SCREWED. This can pose a lot of difficulty for teachers who are in the classroom to merely teach content, and expect all children to behave the same all day.

I feel there is so much grey area in working with children that it's important to be knowledgeable about the children's behavior and flexible in your thinking about how to fix it. Take your best guess from the information you have about "HOW" the issue started, HOW the child is responding, and "WHAT" exactly the child is responding to.

Finally, after you figured all of that out in .2 seconds, because let's not forget, you are probably in the middle of that crucial mini-lesson where you've tied the last six week of instruction into one perfect package and are about to present it to the class, you can get down to the "WHY".

Ahhhh the "WHY" the most elusive of the five questions. The one thing you can only take a guess at answering. This guess can start to untangle the "event", but ONLY if you know the answers to the other 4 questions. The "why" is the golden egg of all the things. If you know the why, you can help that child become more self-aware, more empathetic to others and themselves, and just in general, a more self-regulated human being. And one more thing. Answering the "WHY" is the cherry on top that creates a real bond between teacher and child. Notice how I'm not using the word "student?" They are students right? They come to school and they do the "student" job. Being a student is pretty straightforward, but being a child, a human being is much more complex. In the world of school a "student"is what the masses are. A "child" is an individual human being who has their own system of learning about, thinking about and responding to their lives. Students. I freaking hate that word.

In order to get to the why, there are a few things that need to happen, but that's for another conversation. And did I mention I have credit card debt? Lots of it. Mostly from my teacher books, but I'm ok with that.