Ears and Eyes are Important, Mouths Not So Much

Yesterday I wrote about the invaluable tool of knowing the who, what, where, when, why and how of the children and the daily mire of struggle in the classroom. These 5 knowings for each child and any event of distress in the classroom are critical. They are the base that makes room for the MOST important skill in human relations. Listening. There is no substitute and no quick fix that can take the place of listening when it comes to relationships with students, or anyone for that matter. I know this because I've studied it and I've used it daily in my classroom since way back when I did my student teaching in a 9th grade English class (which is no cake walk let me tell you). I also know this because as far back in my life as I can remember I did not feel heard, because being heard is not something you can enforce on those who you are trying to communicate with. It is a gift that they must willingly give. It is the one gift you can give in the classroom that can change a child's life, their sense of self worth, and their ability to have empathy for themselves and others.

That being said, when their is a disruption in the classroom, nine times out of ten I can guarentee it happens because someone is not feeling heard. At one point in my class this year, actually, at several points in my class this year I had to break up an all out physical fight over a lego between 2 five year olds. They were definitely WTF is going on here moments. They were caused because neither one felt the other was listening. And if I had to make up a story about their lives outside of school, it would be that they did not feel heard. There's also the male pecking order thing, but that's a whole different discussion!

Picture this (any child discussed in these posts is not one child, but a collage of several): You are in the middle of telling three kids to go to breakfast, looking over your morning plans, and telling someone who has strewn their things all over the floor to clean up (it's the rare day when we are ready, calm and collected when the kids come in - let's be honest here) and in comes one of your littles. In comes are actually not the right words. Let's say the bus patrol ushers a child who will NOT come in the classroom to just outside your door. This child has red cheeks and tears pouring down their little faces. You know the who, what and where. You're pretty sure you are 90 percent accurate about the how and the why. But guess what. It doesn't matter. Well, it matters as a teacher, but that child couldn't care less about what you think you know or don't know. All that child cares about is being heard.

I'm going to side step a little here to say that TIME OUT is the most misunderstood concept in teaching and parenting. Time out in it's truest form has nothing to do with punishment or thinking about the consequences of their actions. Ask any kid to tell you why they have been in a "punishment" form of time out and they will give you one of two answers. The first: "I don't know," the second, "Because I was bad". "I was bad" most often translates to "I am bad" in a child's mind. "I don't know" translates to "I don't know".

The true purpose of a time out, is to remove a child so that they can shut down the fight or flight mode and get to the point where they can verbalize in a rational way what is happening. It is of the UTMOST important that there is a calming area in each classroom, and that each child knows how to use it in a way that will benefit them when they are in a disregulated state. Why do want them to regulate? So they can talk about what is happening in a way that makes sense. So they can have time to think and feel their feelings in order to talk.

So you've got all of these things in place. Guess what. If you don't listen to this child once they are calm, you've lost the entire battle. I mean the entire battle. If this child comes out of this moment feeling like his feelings and voice don't matter, you will lose credibility as an adult they can trust.

I understand in a classroom where there is one teacher it can be increadibly difficult to find the time to listen - but that's for you to figure out.

So my little friend who did not want to come into the classroom is still standing there crying. Hmmm.You've invited them into the calm corner. Still not moving. Time is ticking and everyone is waiting. You use the best phrase ever: "What do you need right now?" But the child is too disregulated to even know. If they are not in danger of spriting out the front doors of the school, you make eye-contact and tell them, "I'm just so sorry you are having a tough time right now. I need to get class started. When you are ready, I'd love you to join us." Then just, leave them, and let them sit in their sad, Sitting in the sad, or the anger, or the frustration can be a gift. It is not our job to tell them "it will be ok", "you need to move on with your day", "get over it", or "you are overreacting."

You've had morning meeting, you've done a mini-lesson, the kids have begun their work, and you see the empty spot at the table and think "Oh SHIT! She's still out there!" Let's be honest, we all do it. You walk to the child knowing that you can be like the Maji and bring three gifts, questions, eye-contact, and listening. There's that word again. Listening.

Often times we need to ask questions first in order to help a child verbalize their needs. We keep the questions consistent knowing that the answers might be different for each child or disruption. The questions can start like this: "I'm noticing you are still so sad. I'm so sorry. Can you tell me, are you sad, mad, scared, worried?" The child responds, "I am sad and worried." Next question, "Where in your body do you feel your sad? Your tummy, head, neck, chest, throat?" They almost always know. My sad muffin who won't come in the classroom says, "My tummy and my throat." At that moment, I pray that this is not a stomach virus and the kid won't puke on me, and I press on. "Hmmmm, let's take a few deep breaths, Hold up your finger like a birthday candle and blow it out." Little lovie holds up their tiny pink finger. I coach him, "Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth, in through your nose and out through your mouth," until he slow begins to take on this process independently. Next question, "How big does your sad feel?" You may want to have a reference visual so the child can point to it. I respond "Wow. That's a lot of sad. Can you tell me about what happened?" Eye contact, ears open, mouth CLOSED. Ears open. Ears open. Ears open. Heart open.

Next question, "Can you tell me more about that?" This is the most beautiful question of all because if you are listening, you can use this to flesh out EVERY thing so this child can move forward in their day.

I say, "That really is such a sad feeling." It is not my time to relay my story about my boyfriend who left for Germany before I had a chance to hold him and say good-bye. It is my time to acknowledge that little one is deeply hurting.

Next question, "Can you tell me more about that?" This is the most beautiful question of all because if you are listening, you can use this to flesh out EVERY little thing so this child can move forward in their day. That is the question that tell the child "You matter, I am listening, I want to hear you, I want to understand."

I say, "Can you tell me more about that?" He says, "I just love my daddy so much." I repeat, "you love your daddy so much." Lovie nods his head. Did you notice? I repeated what the child said. You can only repeat what some one says if you are.... you've got it. Listening.

I ask again, "Can you tell me any more about that?" He pouts and says, "Every morning I get to say goodbye to my daddy and this morning I didn't." Oh boy, that's bad. We all know that feeling of loss, that's bad. As human beings, we are connected through the same feelings. Shame is removed when we realize that we are not the only one who feels that way in that moment. Trust is gained when we realize that someone who understands that feeling, is listening.

"I am just so sorry. What do you need? Do you need a hug? Some quiet time? Would you like to put your things away and get started? Sometimes when we take our sad with us into our day, that sad starts to feel a little better. It's ok to feel sad right now, but it's also important to get our day going." This is not an authoritarian statement. It is not a negotiation point. It is not letting a child get away with not doing their work, or forcing them to "get a move on". It is saying, "I know this sucks for you, and I want to help you find your resilience and still do your job." Let's face it, we ALL know having to get on with things in the overwhelming sadness of loss.

My little guy says, "I want to put my things away and sit in the calm corner." I say, "When you get to the quiet corner, I'm going to set a timer for five minutes, then I would like you to join us." Wait... set a timer? I thought the child was leading this? The timer, is a structure that a child will understand if it is consistently used in that space. My guy leans in for a hug, I hug him back and tell him "I'm so glad you told me how you felt. I love you buddy, " and we get on with our day.

You may be thinking, "For God's sake, he didn't get to say good bye to his dad. Big deal, he will see him tonight when he gets home," or maybe, "For f___'s sake,(we teachers really do curse in our heads all day long) I don't have time for this." I have two things to say to that. 1) He is five. His father is a crucial, loving adult in his life. If you know this child you will know something about his relationship with his father. It's a big deal. 2) you may not have time, but you better make time. When you are creating your plan as a teacher, create easy quick things you can put in place for your class so that you can be available when you are needed. Save calling admin or the guidance counselor as a last resort. Either you help the child in need process that overwhelming feeling, or they will not be ready to learn anything that day.

We call this listening. It is also identifying, naming and processing emotions. It all starts though, with listening. Listening. Listening is an active verb. It is defined as "noticing sound, being ready to hear a sound". In a classroom the definition might be, "being ready to hear words so that you can empathize, love, honor, and guide this child in processing deeply felt emotions." Listening means hearing someone into being both heard and seen. If a tree falls in the woods and you don't hear it, does the tree exist? It doesn, but it sure might not feel like it.