How Much is Too Much Help?

Have you ever taught a teenager to drive? The thought of actually letting that child, who can barely make a right turn without going over the curb, drive, can be one of the most terrifying experiences in a parent's life. You can give them tips and pointers, but they are the ones who have to steer the wheel, push the gas pedal, and unfortunately,only they can hit the breaks (we all want that break pedal on the passenger side, am I right?) The thing is, we know if we do the driving, steering and breaking for them, they will never learn to drive by themselves, which can be pretty important if you don't want to drive them around until they're 30.

Sitting in on a live virtual lesson, can feel the same way. We want our children to be successful. We want to see them give the right answers. We want them to FEEL good about learning. We want all the things. However, It's important to remember that if your child were IN school, you would not be giving them the answers and they would have to make mistakes, because that's how we learn (like when your kid hits the curb at 60 miles per hour, he/she learns pretty quickly that he/she needs to slow down and watch more carefully, because hitting a curb that fast never ends well).

When many of us were growing up, most of our teachers and our parents approached learning from the mindset that you were either good at something, or bad at it. You either had the natural talent or capacity to learn "math" or you didn't. "I don't have a math brain", "I'm NOT a writer", "Reading just isn't my thing". The idea that you could work at something that was REALLY challenging and improve wasn't part of mainstream thinking in our culture when we were growing up. It wasn't the process, it was the product. Which may be why when you are struggling with something particularly difficult you may think:"I just can't do this", "my brain just doesn't work that way", "why is this soooo difficult?" while having the strong urge to just throw in the towel. Hopefully, you will be sitting in with your child during the first week in order to help them learn the in's and out's of the participating in class with whatever technology they are using. However, you should use caution when supporting them with what they are learning about in "class".

The good news is, we know better now. We know that if writing doesn't come naturally to a child, the harder they work at it, the better they will become. In my kindergarten class at the beginning of the year, we read a lot of books whose narrative revolves around this idea of a "growth mindset," or - trying hard can get you where you need to go. It won't be the easiest or quickest, but it will get you there. My favorite story, is the timeless story of "The Little Engine That Could". In case you want a refresher, the story goes something like this:

This train, he gets stuck in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of candy and good stuff for the boys and girls. Once all the train's cargo realizes the train has broken down, they start to lose it. The clowns panic, the animals are slightly annoyed, and the dollies start eating the candy. But the train, he decides to ask for help. The first three trains that he waves down are just obnoxious. "No, no, no", they all say, "we have better things to do." In the meantime, with each train that goes by, the cargo's stress is starting to boil over. After the third train says "no", to helping, the clown's panic reaches a frenzy, the animals have to go to the bathroom, and there is infighting among the dollies about who has the best outfit and the softest hair. But the train - he is NOT giving up.

Along comes a little blue engine. He stops for the train with the crazies on it and asks how he can help. When the cargo train relays the ridiculous situation they are in, the little blue engine says, "Welp, not really sure I can get you over that hill, but I'll give it my best shot!" Everyone packs back into the train cars, the train hitches to the little blue engine, and off they go. The little blue engine was right, this going up the hill thing with a rowdy group of passengers was no joke. He tried and tried to move up that hill, and just as he was about to give up he started saying, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." And with that mindset (otherwise known as a "growth mindset") he chugs on up and over that hill, bringing that big ole train into the station.

What if things had gone differently? What if that little engine said "Going up big hills just isn't my cup of tea," or, "sorry, but I tried that last week, and I couldn't, so I just gave up.", "nah - I don't do hills, I can only do straight aways... my engine doesn't work like that", or...."well, usually my parents just do it for me." (and yes - my own two kids would have said that about me buckling their seat belts for them till they were 8). None of those answers would have gotten the heavy cargo train and all it's crazy cargo over the hill, nor would giving up, or having his train family do it for him. Instead, because he tried, and it was no easy task, the little engine learned that if he tried hard enough, he'd eventually get to where he needed to go. It may not be easy, mistakes will be made, but if he just kept trying, he would get there.

My point is this: if you are sitting with your child during their virtual lesson and you see them give the wrong answer, are concerned about how long it takes for them to give an answer, or are worried about how they will feel if they get the wrong answer, try, the best you can, to refrain from helping them. I know how hard it is to watch your child struggle with something, when all you want them to do is give them the right answer. I see it in my students, this frustration with not getting it, and there are moments where I can't stand to see them fail yet again. At that point, I have to go back to my mantra, "She/he can't do it... yet.", "She/he can't do it... yet." The yet at the end of that sentence changes the game. It reminds me that learning, is not a product, without a process, which can be very arduous at times! And, even more importantly, arduous, is good. Arduous, is what will teach that child that yes, they have to work hard, because that's how you get better. Arduous will teach that child that life is not about getting it "now", it's about working hard to get it right. Arduous will give your child the incredible feeling of "I did it!", and teach them that working hard at something, will give them more confidence in their ability to grow and change. Grit, resilience, persistence - are all things that can be taught in the context of school work. Really. hard. school work. Life is not about getting it right, it's about becoming a better person through mistakes, a willingness to look at those mistakes, and see how you can change them to get where you want to go.

So my answer to the question, "How much is too much help?" is simple. When you watch your child struggle with something in the virtual classroom, as long as it's not operating the technical equipment, let them struggle. Trust their teacher to help them work through it. Trust them to be resilient. Quiet your strong parental urge to answer it for them. When you are watching your child struggle with a learning concept, not giving them the answer, or helping them get the answer is hard for you. And that is ok. We can do hard things.