Independence for Children Means Independence for Parents

From the moment our children are born we walk beside them, in front of them and

behind them to make sure they are successful in life and honestly, it's quicker then having them do it themselves. We pick them up when they fall down, we order their meals for them until they are 8. We defend their behavior at parent-teacher conferences and sometimes...we do their school work for them (my go to complaint was "This kid NEVER picks up his stuff!", when my favorite past time activity was of course... pickingup his stuff). And all of those things above, happen when life is busy and not so fraught with sad.

Often times with divorce or other sad life changes, we do even more for our kids to help them somehow be safe from all the sadness. When I got divorced I decided to get my kids a dog. I thought somehow, that would make up for all the pain divorce had caused them in their young lives. I also fed the dog and walked the dog (SOMETIMES they would have to come with me, but not often). They played with the dog. Not a great strategy on my part, but it sure made me feel better. My kids became more dependent on me then ever and the result was a great deal of stress and frustration for all of us.

Suddenly it occurred to me. The invisible deal I had made with my kids sucked. I would constantly ponder the question: How come my 9 and 11 year old kids at home were so much more dependent then my 5 and 6 year olds in my kindergarten class?? Late one night, over two cranberry vodkas and the Michelle Pfeiffer movie "Dangerous Minds,"I had an epiphany. I required NO independence of my children at home and ALL the independence from my kindergarteners at school. Instead of asking my own two children questions to support their independence, I was doing EVERYTHING for them. I hoped it would take away the hurt. It didn't. You know that great feeling you get when you plan your first vacation on your own and have a really great time? Kids have the same great feeling when they do something themselves. Sometimes they are successful, sometimes not. Either way they can at least have ownership over their effort by learning how to succeed and (GASP) fail ( I was in the GASP catagory for a loooong time).

If you find yourself in the same gasping state I was in, I'd like to offer some suggestions that may help you help your kids to become more independent. The key here, is knowing some simple language to use that can help them think and try a little harder on their own.

PROBLEM: SAY TO THEM: INSTEAD OF:

Coat on the floor Where does your coat go? Picking it up for them

Doesn't understand Read the directions again Showing them exactly how

how to complete carefully. Try one or two by to do it or doing it for

homework yourself. I'llcheck back in a them

few minutes.

Can't find something Slow down, check again, Looking for it while they

even the places you don't play on their tablet or

think it will be. I want you to watch tv

look for five minutes. Hard.

If you can't find it, look again.

A broken toy Hmmmm. Can you think of how Bring it over here. I'll get

we can fix it together? I'll come to it when I can

back in five minutes. You let me

know your ideas and what you'll

need. I'll get it and we'll work

together to fix it

Needs a snack Look for some _____________ Stopping what you are You know where the snacks are doing to get them a snack

Yes, this takes time. Yes, it takes practice and patience on your part. For young children (and adults alike) failure is an important part of learning. Doing all the things for them can make it difficult for them to become independent humans. Teaching them self-help skills and problem solving will benefit them at home, in school and in life. Doing this work with them is time up front that will save you time later and for that you will all be better off.

Trust me.... it's worth it.