So You Wanna Be A Teacher? You'd Better Learn How to Unpack

As a seasoned teacher, there's one thing I've mastered: unpacking. In teaching we unpack everything; our classroom at the beginning of the school year (my favorite), state and county standards, lesson plans, and our thinking about student behavior. Despite the length of the unpacking I've always felt there was something missing. Unpacking ourselves.

I've been in therapy as long as I've been a teacher. That's a really long time. It's pretty expensive. It's the best thing I could've done for myself and my relationships with my family and friends. Most importantly, it's the best thing I could do for my students. It's not the stress of my work that sends me running and screaming to my therapists couch every Monday. It's the learning about myself that I transfer to better myself, my relationships, and teaching each day. What I know about myself is ultimately what guides my interactions with and reactions to my students.

My preferred teaching style is that of a facilitator, although when my kinders are wrestling on the carpet I become a dictator pretty quickly! I've chosen the facilitating role because of my experiences as a daughter, and a student. Often when there is a difficult issue in the classroom, students and their teachers go into fight or flight mode. Our breathing and anxiety kick into full gear and we generally respond in two ways: emotionally or from our knowing.

Our emotional reaction is learned. Maybe you inadvertently shame a child to make them stop whatever it is they're doing. You might say, "What's wrong with you?!!" That is no doubt a shaming response that we learned along our life's path. Another response might be, "Please stop. I will give you a sticker if you stop." That's bargaining. Maybe we had a parent who bargained with us to get us to listen. Then there's the old... "If you don't stop, I will take away your recess!" That's threatening. How many times as a child did we hear, "If you don't stop ___ ___ ___ ___," fill in the blanks. "I don't have time for this", and with that the adult walks away.

Unless we recognize what the tapes in our heads say about managing kids, we will go back to what we have inadvertently learned. Not always a great idea. When a student behavior activates a trigger inside of us, we respond in a way that is safely familiar. By doing this, we are putting our own issues as adults on to our students. As a parent, I know they've already got that at home. They need something different at school.

I'd like to give a caveat before I go into my "I know I'm right because...." mode. I work with kindergarteners. Most of the issues that come up are not easily solved, but often easily stopped. I recognize there is a huge difference as the children get older and their stress becomes greater.

That being said, the more I have learned about myself in therapy, the more I am able to slow down and show up in a loving way for my students. When I'm in the middle of something and there's a student conflict across the room my go-to is: "STOP! What in God's green Earth are you doing???," in my loudest, angriest and most disappointed voice imaginable. Yeah, that's not my best-self rearing it's head.

Here's where unpacking your own shit is most important. When I was a kid and an adult tol d me to stop, and asked what was wrong with ME - boy did I stop. I not only stopped, but became silent, tucked into my shell and became invisible. Deep inside I know that hearing those words, shaming or not, forced me to stop and get quiet. As you may suspect, my lesser-self spews those words to my students in order to make the stress and noise stop. In that moment, I don't give a crap about what that kid is thinking. I just need to make it stop so we can go outside! The fact that choking is happening in my already noisy recess line SCREAMS that we need to go outside!

Take two. Same kind of crazy as noted above. My best self looks, knows, and yells: "Stop! Get your hands off each other and take a seat right where you are!" A good yell is necessary when you are looking for your keys, your glasses, your phone AND your coffee on the way to morning recess. Once I've decided the only really necessary item is my keys, which I forgot I had in my hand, I can take a few breaths and head over to the ankle-biters who violated the "don't choke the person in front of you," rule. I hastily put one of the kids in the back of the line and one of them in the front. "We are going to talk about this once we get outside." I tell them. My best self knows that clearly, there was a purposeful reason for these children's behavior. Children often have a difficult time verbalizing issues instead of using their bodies to express themselves. Unless they are taught, they will not have the language or self-contro when there's an issue, so they respond physically. Especially boys. Yep - broad brush strokes I know, but that's been my experience.

Once we get outside the conversation about the incident in line goes something like this:

Me to the chokee: Are you ok?

Chokee: No. He/She hurt me.

Me to the choker: Look at your friend. Do you see his/her face? What do you notice?

Naturally, the choker gives no response and is looking down at the ground. He/ she is clearly feeling some remorse. Amen.

Me: Look up please. What do you notice about _________________'s face?

Choker: He/she is crying and she has a frown.

Me: How do you think _______ feels about what you did?

Choker: Bad.

Then we go into the restorative justice process which is a whole different discussion all together, so I'll skip that. Let's just say the choker has apologized and give the chokee a gentle hug because that's what the chokee needed to feel better.

Chokee is ok, and satisfied with the outcome. He/she runs off to play with friends.

The choker and I are left to do the rest of the work.

Me: That was so scary. I was really worried you were going to hurt ___________.

What happened?

Choker: ________ hurt my feelings because he/she said that they wouldn't be my friend outside.

Ah. Here we go. Now I know the trigger. However, that's not enough to have an effective conversation with this child. I need to unpack this so this little one can begin to help himself/herself without me the next time.

Me: Hmmm. How did that make you feel?

Choker: Angry and sad. (they know this because we have spent a lot of time talking about emotions in our classroom)

Me: I'm sorry that you felt angry and sad. It must have been a big feeling for you to try to hurt someone.

Choker: Yep. This big. (we've learned to scale problems so we can adjust our thoughts about our feelings appropriately)

Me: Choking someone is a pretty rotten choice. You could really have hurt them. Do you think that choking someone will make it better?

Choker: No.

Me: So we are going to have to figure out what to do the next time you feel that way. What are some things we've learned to do when we get angry? (We've also talked a lot about ways to calm ourselves down)

Choker: Take some bear breaths. Get away. Clench my fists really tight. Use my words.

Me: Which one works best for you?

Choker: Usually bear breaths and walking away.

Me: Let's try that next time. Choking someone is so dangerous. I know it can be hard, but you need to stop when you feel that angry in your hands. What's our rule about our hands?

Choker: Keep our hands and feet to ourselves.

Me: I want you to find someone else to play with so you don't get upset again.

Choker: Alright.

I recognize the situation I'm describing is a "best scenario" case as far as timing goes. Situations can occur any time, any day. Children can respond in a variety of ways. It's just my way of describing an effective conversation in it's entirety.

Because I've been in therapy I know my triggers. Physical harm is a big one (no one's going to get hurt on my watch). More than any other trigger, I react strongly to physical harm. I grew up relating fear of physical harm to bullying by peers, feeling helpless and afraid, and getting in deep, shaming trouble by adults in school. One of my earliest childhood memories was being chased by three older boys who told me they were going to beat me up. In fear, I started to run away and tripped over a tree stump, ripping the skin off my leg. That was scary, physical pain brought on by someone else. At one point in 5th grade I got so angry at someone who was bullying me, that I got in a physical fight with them. My fighting wasn't nearly as tough as my mouth, so naturally they kicked my ass and I got in trouble for starting the fight. The bully got away scott free. INJUSTICE I TELL YOU! Another time at the skating rink one of my peers wouldn't leave me alone. I told her several times to back the hell off (I had just learned the joy and power of the curse word "hell"). She wouldn't go away, so I threatened to hurt her. Strangely enough, she yelled, "If you're so tough go ahead and hit me! Hit me as hard as you can you bully! I tried, but she was way tougher than me and did more damage to me than I did to her. Needless to say, she called her mom and that did not end well for me. You see where I'm going with this? I have to be aware of my anxiety and stress around physical harm. I have to remember how helpless I felt when I used my fists to say what I was feeling. As a kid, I could think of no other choice. As an adult, I can empathize with that feeling and teach my students to respond differently. I know if I'm not paying attention to my own response, I will inadvertently listen to the tapes in my head and shame that child. It takes vigilance, self-awareness, and empathy on my part in order to get through my conversation with the choker in a way that will benefit them instead of isolate and shame them.

Unpack yourself. If you haven't started, now might be a good time. Covid-19 , the recent uprise about inequality, a shoddy government and our worries about what school will look like in the fall, have made us all feel emotionally tapped out. Collective fear and exhaustion is weighing heavy on anyone involved in serving our students in August. We do NOT want to put our emotions and heaviness on our students. They need calm, rational adults who will help them feel safe and loved. They need adults who have unpacked themselves, sat with what they've learned, and use that self-awareness during the school day. It's a lot like when we get home from a trip. We unpack our suitcase, all the while thinking about everything that happened: the things we loved, the things that annoyed us. We think about the great meals we had and the terrible bar service. We think, "The next time I go there, I'm going to _______________ instead of ________. Maybe we recognize that we don't want to EVER go back there (which is how I felt about my trip to Ocean City last year... crazy town)! I tend to feel really tired after a trip, so after I unpack, I like to lay down and watch TV. This is not my way of avoiding laundry. This is how I get my bearings and show up better for everyone in my home.

Unpack yourself. Sit with what you learn. Think about how you can use what you've learned to be your best self with your students. Imagine instances where and when triggers may come up in the classroom. This kind of self-awareness develops empathy and patience with yourself and your students. It also makes it easier to find your coffee. Trust me on this one.