You Tell Me

I've never been real good at answering questions about what I want. "Where do you want to go to dinner?", "What do you want to do today?", "Which movie do you want to see?", "You want to mow the lawn or clean up the garage?" I could most comfortably answer those questions with "I don't care ",😁 "Whatever works best for you :-)",😁 "Whichever :-)" 😎

I'm like this because it's EASY, because it makes it easier to LIKE me. "She's flexible and easy to be around."

I like knowing that's how people think of me. I've learned from the time I was little, by the world around me, that if I'm easy and flexible - if I have no opinion either way, people will like me. They will not abandon me. They will be happy because I am not disagreeable or too much. I will not be a bitch or a pain in the ass. I will just be what they want me to be and I am ok with that. This is not their fault. I have taught them that THIS is who I am.

I do NOT want my students to EVER feel this way. I want them to feel seen and heard. I want them to feel welcome to share their opinions and thoughts, even if they aren't the most popular ideas in the kindergarten crowd. I want them to be brave enough to say "no" or "yes" by listening to their own selves.

I've been using Responsive Classroom since I first heard of it. It allows kids to answer their own questions through self -awareness and guidance from an adult and peers if needed. It helps create a kind and safe classroom community. It can help create the kind of independence that you want them to have before they leave your classroom to go on to the next phase of their life. It is a tool to put in their toolbelt of self-assurance.

RC can be as simple as:

St: Where's a chair?

Me: Look around. Do you see one?

St: No.

Me: Look harder. Where do we usually keep the chairs?

St: Oooohhhh yeaaaahhhh I remember where we decided to put them....

Yes - it took more time then getting that child a chair but it put the bulk of reponsibility on the child to look and think.

Of course, there are always bigger issues:

St: Allison won't play with me!!! (big, wet tears)

Me: Hmmmmmm. I wonder why? Do you know why?

St: I don't know. (shoulder shrug, tear wipe)

Me: Well, why don't you go ask her?

St: Okay.

Me: You can bring her over if you need some help and we can talk about it .

St: Okay

Both kiddos come running back - tears in their eyes.

Me: Go ahead. Ask her your question.

St: Why won't you play with me?

St2: Because we always have to play what you want!

Me: So how can you two fix this? Any ideas? ( a few silent moments go by and I'm just ready to tell them to get over it and go play with someone else...but I finally get a quiet answer)

St2: We could take turns figuring out what to play?

Me: (turning to student) Would that be ok with you?

St: No!

Me: Well then we need another idea.

St: We could decide what to play together?(Of course figuring out how to decide "together" can be a whole other conversation in and of itself that could be decided and modeled in a class meeting with teacher support.)

Me: Are you both ok with that?

St2: I suppose. (both heads nod)

Me: Give it a try. I'll check in in a few minutes.I can't wait to see what you decide to do!

I know what YOU are doing. You are shaking your head at your computer or phone and saying "it's not that easy.", "It doesn't always go that way.", When was the last time SHE was on the playground with kids? "," I don't have time to do this with 22 other kids to watch at recess." No, it doesn't always go that way. And to a certain extent, you are ABSOLUTELY Yes, it's really hard when you are trying to make sure the pretend ninjas in the corner of the playground don't give each other black eyes. And yes - still teaching in the classroom - still trying to muddle my way through the day.

But I will tell you - after working and working with my kiddos using Responsive Classroom and carefully modeling the language and situations for them and with them - it does come more easily. Honestly - there are days I don't have the patience or the time for this, so I don't have those conversations with kids, but anytime I can, I absolutely do. Is it perfect? No. Does it always work? No. But with some thought it's not hard to put into practice. It doesn't add stuff to do into the day, but I believe it puts more depth into your students understanding of themselves as a member of a classroom community, and as their own confident decision makers.

That way, when they are adults and someone asks them if they want to drink out of a VAT of grain alcohol they can say "No" with confidence and self-assurance. Or if someone asks them "What do you want to do today?" they can say, "I want to lay in front of the tv and eat ice cream" and then have one hell of a day without being worried whether or not they will be abandoned. But most of all, they will trust themselves enough to know that they can be their authentic selves every time they come to the table.

So next time you find yourself standing at the door with a group of teachers (on a teacher work day, cause we all know we don't have time for lunch on a normal school day) and you guys are trying to figure out where to go for lunch, just be the person who makes the decison before you stand at the door for your entire lunch break, trying to be polite and not be the one responsible if something goes wrong... You won't be abandoned, you will still be liked and if anyone complain's you can just ask them..."So how can you fix this for yourself?!"