Get Under The Bed

When my daughter started sleeping in her big girl bed at the age of 3, something interesting happened. Every night, we would read a story, sing a song, kiss her... all the bedtime things, then tuck her in safe and sound, turn on her night light and leave her door open in case she got scared and needed us. In the morning we would wake up and go into her room to check on her. There she would be, under her bed, with her little sweaty head and pillow poking out just enough for us to see her. She would be under her bed, because under her bed, was her safe spot. She knew in that little brain, that when she got scared of the Grinch, monsters, or evil witches, or even just the dog down the street, she could crawl under her bed to feel safe. It wasn't a place she went to keep herself locked in, it was a place she went to keep all the bad things out.

The other day, one of my teacher friends said, "I don't think parents are happy with anything we are doing." I was immediately saddened by her comment, thinking to myself, "This was happening on social media when school was normal. I can't IMAGINE what we will see from parents and teachers as the new school plans are rolled out. There will be a lot of positive comments, but you need to hear 10 positive comments to overcome 1 negative comment. I'm not sure the ratio will work to our advantage.

Next, I begin to lose several hours I will never get back, and start chasing the rabbit and end up down the rabbit hole. A bad rabbit hole. I find that each piece of information that the county gives out ends up being blown apart by more questions (that may or may not make sense in the thread), and comments and accusations about what the county, its administrators and it's teachers should be doing. Often made by people who have never walking into a classroom.

I understand the worry, I understand the concern, I understand the urgency of the need for answers. I just have a hard time when people point their fingers at the county and say they aren't doing enough. These people are making these decisions that will impact THOUSANDS of families. I wouldn't want their job. Not in a MILLION years.

In Fairfax county, where I work - the first month of virtual teaching in the spring was like a hurricane for teachers, families and administrators who were all doing the best they could to turn one of the biggest counties in the country into a completely virtual learning environment. Despite the massive effort we were criticized on social media for not doing enough.

Fast forward to now. Despite the new knowledge of how Corona virus is passed and the fact that we have higher numbers of positive cases and deaths than we did when schools closed in the spring, we are trying to open up our school system in August. With every answer there are new questions we cannot answer, and accusations about the fact that we cannot answer them. Why can't we answer them? BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS!!! Watching a county town hall meeting is very much like watching a political debate. Lots of questions asked, but no real answers to any of them. Why? Because this is so complex, and weaves into every part of our society, that in order to be able to have specific answers that will stick, we would have to have done this before. We would have to have done the test of a full year of school in a pandemic to have some kind of predictable outcome, and answers that we knew would hit the target.

To add to that, we have a Secretary of Education who is terrified to walk into a public school building because she knows how she would be received. When she took her post four years ago, one of her first comments to the media was that she couldn't find the "pencils" to write with. As you may suspect, she was completely unaware of the vast number of school supplies we teachers have to provide to our students using our own money. Last week she stated that schools need to open full time then pointed her finger at Fairfax County and criticized our hybrid plan.

Is she unaware that teachers are human beings who have families they have to care for, their own health issues, and their own children they have to help with school? These are the things that would keep employees of any other profession at home, and would keep them from going in to the classroom (with of course the exception of medical professionals and other public servants such as fireman and policemen. ) Does she recognize that our public school system that serves our families will now have a greater chance of exposing other children and more families to Covid? I'm curious as to how the death rates for children and adults will spike when school begins. Then who will be pointing fingers at whom?

So the school year will begin with immense pressure from the government and the community, which unfortunately means the train is rolling and the only thing that will stop it a brick wall. Our superintendent and school board must make the most difficult decisions of this decade. They are there doing the best they can with the few answers they have. Often,people are unhappy with the answers because they sound something like this: No, we cannot make accommodations for all teachers, students and their families. No, we may not be able to offer AAP or AP classes the way we normally would. Once you have chosen virtual or in school learning, yes you must stick with it. The pandemic has taken away our ability to be able to grant each families individual child's need. It's hard enough to know what SPED and ESOL will look like this year.

This is what happens - I start thinking about what I've seen and read on social media and combine that with my own fear and anxiety and I get pissed, and scared and I suddenly want to hide under the bed like my daughter when she was three... like the whole way though. I'm not even gonna pop out my sweaty head.

I'm not sure that social media pages and posts are a way for teachers and administrators to stay centered as we wait to find out what will happen, and focus on the looming task at hand. That being said, I'm trying to get my information directly from the county or my administration. I'm going to my friends and family who know and understand me, to vent, worry or talk through what's happening. I can honestly say, I don't watch the news for my news. Nor do I watch Facebook or Instagram to inform me of my news. That's because, from the second I log on till the second I log off, every muscle in body body is tense. My stomach hurts, my jaw clenches, and not ONLY do I want to hide under the bed, but I want to take the entire gallon of ice cream in my fridge with me.

I obsess over all things Hamilton, I read, I write, I play my guitar, I am present with my daughter who is now preparing to leave for college. I listen to NPR, and that's about all I can handle. I am focused on doing things that nurture my soul and help me process everything that is happening in a more positive way. They help me to be fully present instead of focusing on being fear driven. I don't want to look back on these last three weeks with my daughter and have regrets because all I could think about was the shit show that would be August. Is it easy? God no - taking care of myself is the hardest thing, but it's my form of lying under my bed, and happily inspecting all the cool things that I left under it. That's where I feel safe. I can watch everything from a distance. From a safe space.away from the social media monsters, I can find important information that won't take me away from the beauty that is happening now, I'm not caging myself in, I'm just keeping the bad stuff out. I am taking control over the monsters that surround me. I am trying not to live my life in fear, but in joy, from a place I know is safe. I know that we will all be able to come out from under the bed eventually, just like Katie.